


Oh how the turns have tabled

by UnknownLittlePerson



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ((fuking thanks larry)), Connor & Zoe Hansen, Eating Disorders, Evan Murphy, Gen, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Implied/Reference Suicide, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Larry tries and fails to not be an asshole, M/M, Major Depressive Disorder, Oh and I forgot, Social Anxiety Disorder, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, it's evan but that's not what this is all about, parent swap au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-14 16:37:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11211996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownLittlePerson/pseuds/UnknownLittlePerson
Summary: Connor Hansen had a rocky life. Don't get him wrong, parts of it were great, like his mom and his sister, but that didn't mean he was happy. He always felt like his medications and his therapy were a waste of his mom's money. He blew up at his sister sometimes. His only friends were Jared "family friend" Kleinman and Alana Beck, who was very nice but more of a talker than a listener. Sometimes Connor just wants to get away from it all.Evan Murphy's life should have been great: two wealthy and more-or-less happily married parents, his own car, an awesome job as junior park ranger. But he still feels lonely and overwhelmed and unhappy and oh god his palms are all sweaty again. He doesn't have any friends and his dad says if he would just buck up and put himself out there he "wouldn't be so shy". Sometimes Evan wants everything to just stop.





	1. "It's your first day of senior year."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I know, "parent swap au, wowwie, never heard that one before". But shhh, just trust me. Just keep in mind that it is a PARENT swap, not a PERSONALITY swap. I should also mention that the ships mentioned are not the focus of this story, I wanted to write this as a character study (mainly for Evan and Connor) as a way to think about how they're affected by the people around them.  
> I will post individual chapter warnings in notes at the beginning of each chapter. Here's the warnings today as an example:
> 
> T/W: Implications/Mentions of Self-Harm, brief transphobia

“Connor, aren’t you at least a little excited?” Heidi prodded well-meaningly as she came in to make sure her son was awake.

“No, not really,” Connor saw no reason to lie. Sure, he loves his mom and knew she just wants him to be happy, but Connor knows he’s never been a good liar. He didn’t really see the big deal about senior year; sure, it was the last year of high school, but it was still high school, and high school could suck his ass.

Heidi sighed but gave him a small smile anyway. “Will you try to talk to someone today? Sure, maybe not a long conversation, but maybe just try introducing yourself to someone new. I just don’t want another year of you complaining that you don’t have any--”

“Friends,” he cut her off sharply. “Yeah, I know, mom. It’s not like I wanted to be a fucking loner either.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” yeah, Connor did know, if he hadn’t before he knew now from the way she was biting her lip.

“I know.”

The first thing Connor sees when he walks into the kitchen is Zoe glaring at him pointedly and he can’t help the smile that slips onto his face because she just looks so funny when she’s mad. “You finished the milk,” she hisses.

“Indeed I did,” Connor doesn’t miss the chance to give he a challenging smirk as he grabs some bread from the toaster.

“I had already poured my cereal and I go to grab the milk from the fridge only to find it someone had taken the time to put the empty jug back in the fridge.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t do that if you wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it every time,” Connor quipped as he set two plates of cinnamon-sugar toast at the table: one for him and one for Zoe.

“Fuck you,” she muttered through a mouthful of bread.

“You know you love me.”

Heidi hurriedly made her way into the kitchen, handing Connor a glass of water and his medication before planting a kiss on each of her children's heads and shouting out a rushed, “I love you guys! Have a great first day!” as she slid through the door.

A few minutes of comfortable silence passed in the house as Connor and Zoe finished getting ready before Zoe eventually broke it with an exasperated sign. “No ride from Kleinman today?”

Connor fished his phone out of his pocket to find a whooping zero new messages. “Correct.”

Zoe groaned and marched her way out the door. Connor followed his sister’s lead, popping in his headphones and making his way to the bus stop.

* * *

 

Evan’s day was not off to a good start, not that that was much of a surprise though. He had set his phone too close to his face last night so his alarm left his ears ringing. He had to wear a hoodie even though it was a million fucking degrees out and a pain to try pulling the sleeves over his cast because his parents were adamant on not having their son seen with those ugly scars out in public. And, to top it all off his dad was in a foul mood this morning, which meant that he would either have to skip breakfast or spend its duration standing in as a target to pin all of Larry Murphy’s general annoyance with the world onto. His stomach wouldn’t stop growling and he couldn’t have it keep doing that in class because everyone would be annoyed with him or think his parents were starving him or something so it seemed like option one was out.

  
Taking a deep breath, Evan tiptoed his way downstairs and into the kitchen, set his bag beside his usual chair as quietly as possible and poured himself a bowl of cereal. Breakfast went on without incident until Evan went to pour himself a second bowl because, _holy shit_ , was he hungry. _Come to think of it, when was the last time he had actually eaten--_

  
His father was the one to cut off his train of thought. “You know, maybe if you ate less of that sugary crap people would stop mistaking you for a girl.”

  
“Larry!” Cynthia turned her attention from her shopping list to send her husband a horrified, angry look.

  
“I’m just saying!,” he threw his hands up in mock surrender. “Yesterday Evan had that whole fucking meltdown over the cashier calling him 'Miss'. I thought I’d give him some advice. I think I read somewhere that sugar goes right to girls’ hips.”

Evan bit his lip but rose to set his bowl in the sink nonetheless. He felt sick to his stomach. He needed to get out of here.

Wordlessly, Evan grabbed his backpack and walked out to his car. _Fuck today. Fuck school. Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck._ He could hear his parents arguing from the garage. Evan gave himself a moment to slam his head on the steering wheel before pulling out of his driveway, driving away from that fucking hell hole and all the way to another: school.

 


	2. Life Sux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry, this is later than I would have liked to have this done but I had a busy week with job training and college orientation and stuff, then just when things started slowing down I ran out of some of my meds so I couldn’t do shit for a few days.  
> On a lighter note: thank you guys so much for all the positive feedback! I may not reply, but I screenshot every comment and they make my day. Also whoa; so many kudos??? Just so you guys know, feel free to hit me up on tumblr @iceeyedlife. Love all of y’all!
> 
> TWs for this chapter: suicidal thoughts and ideation, implied/referenced eating disorder(s), mentioned gender dysphoria
> 
> P.S.: If you catch the Be More Chill reference in here I will love you forever.

“Dude what the fuck is up with your hair?” Ah, nothing starts the day like an asshole waiting at your locker.

“Morning, Kleinman,” Connor sighed as he fiddled with his lock. His locker was always picky, stray from the combination by the millimeter and you had to start all over again. Even when he finally did get it right, the locker always required a little kick in order to actually get the damn thing open. “And I just put it in a bun to keep it out of my eyes.”

“It looks, like, super gay, man,” Jared squinted at Connor as he bent down to grab his books, allowing Jared a better view of the rushed mess atop Connor’s head. “Those hair clip thingies really aren’t helping your case either.”

Connor scoffed. “You’re one to talk.”

Jared gasped and brought his hand to his chest in mock offense. “I’ll have you know that I am a picture of heterosexuality!”

“Whatever you say, man,” Connor looked down at his schedule before shutting his locker. “What do you have first hour?”

“Band,” Jared didn’t miss a beat as they started wading through the mass of students. “You?”

“AP Lit.”

“Nerd,” Jared deadpanned with practiced detachment.

The two lapped into relative silence, as they often did when together; not exactly uncomfortable, but definitely a little awkward.

“Out of the way, tall-ass!” A short, fashion disaster of a junior pushed his way past Connor. Connor grit his teeth and tried to remember what his therapist has told him about controlling his temper until his thoughts were interrupted once again by Jared.

“What the fuck, man?!” Some sweaty kid Connor vaguely recognized form a group project freshman year had crashed right into Jared. Never a good thing.

“S-Sorry!” What’s-his-face looked like he was going to fucking crumble: eyes glued to the floor, hands tugging at the hem of his shirt, shoulders trembling.

“Whatever,” Jared hissed before turning his attention back to Connor. “I’m going to head to class. Remember to tell Heidi I was nice to you.” Just like that Connor was left alone with some kid who looked like he was about to either melt or just fucking explode.

 _Does he even realize Jared left or is he just stuck in his own little world? Connor should say something, right? Say something._ “Dude, you still there?” No response. Shit. “Hey,” Connor set a hand on his shoulder, ready to shake him, when the boy thrust himself out of Connor’s grasp. _Shit shit shit shit shit._ “Sorry, I just-- Uh… I don’t really know. You weren’t really moving and it was like ‘Yo, Earth to… Uh--’”

“Evan,” he didn’t take his eyes off the hallway's gross old linoleum. “My name is Evan.”  
“Yeah, right. Evan,” _Evan? Evan who? He had to know this kid right? Come on, come on._ “You’re that kid who started crying during that report on… uh…”

“Yeah,” Evan didn’t seem to want to remember that. “I have to go to class.”

And just like that he was gone.

Shit.

* * *

 

Lunch always sucked. Evan never pack a lunch because what if it goes bad while he’s in class and it smells bad so everyone would think he was gross or he didn’t realize it was bad so he ate it and got sick and missed school and fell even more behind. But it’s not like the school lunches are an option either because they’re gross. It’s not like he’s hurting from skipping lunch everyday though, at least not according to his dad. Today he’s bloated anyways though because he’s just so _gross_ and the reason makes him feel sick. Not to mention the cafeteria is just so loud and his arm itches and his thighs itch and everything is just _too much_ and so overwhelmingly  _wrong_ ; Evan is going to explode. After a few minutes his ears start ringing and he decides he has to get out of there.

The computer lab is quiet and it makes Evan feel like maybe there’s someone out there who’s looking out for him until he remembers that, no, this is just a wealthy area so most of the people at his school are entitled rich assholes _~~like him~~ _ with their own computers who don’t need the computer lab.

Nonetheless, Evan likes to feel better about himself _~~than he really is~~_ so sometimes he comes in here to use the old school computers anyway. Other times, the abandoned room just provides him with some much appreciated solitude. Either way, under normal circumstances Evan would never use the school computers for something so personal, but he won’t have to worry about his privacy much longer so fuck it.

It takes a few minutes for the old computer to boot up than his Macbook would but that’s okay. He uses this time to take a few deep breaths and try to organize his thoughts. Once he’s greeted by the default Windows wallpaper, Evan opens Google Chrome, logs into Google Docs, and begins to type.

 

> Dear Evan Hansen,
> 
> Maybe you should just fucking kill yourself and here’s why: everything sucks because it always does. Apparently you’re too fat to be a boy. You probably smell terrible because you have to wear this stupid hoodie because you’re stupid and the school hasn’t turned the AC on. Your parents keep fighting because of you. You have to start applying to colleges but you can’t because who would let you in?? Your grades are fucking shit because homework makes you anxious so you try to just get it over with but then when you go to do it you get nauseous so you can’t do it and even if you do try you can’t concentrate because you’re nauseous and then you get anxious about being nauseous and maybe you’re just allergic to homework but of course not because that’s not a thing you’re probably just lazy like your dad says and you should really stop using so many run-on sentences that’s so unintelligent. Maybe you’re just a run-on sentence, you were supposed to end months ago but here you still fucking are. Here’s to hoping you don’t fuck this up too.
> 
> Sorry, Mom. You’re welcome, Dad.
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Me

And "print".

“So… How’d you break your arm?”

_Fuck._

Apparently, Connor Hansen is not an entitled rich asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my chapters are so short, I kind of write with my own attention span in mind. :P Anyway! I’ll try to finish the next chapter before my cousins come over for the weekend so that will hopefully be up later today or on Monday. Thanks for all the support and feel free to hmu here or on tumblr @iceeyedlife. Also I promise not to kill off Evan. At least in this fic.


	3. Suicide Is a Private Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m really sorry this one took so long, I’ve been having a lot of mood swings and it’s been hard for me to write but I had a sudden burst of inspiration the other night so I drafted this chapter and the start of chapter four so I tried to type them up real quick before I left for Chicago, but I didn’t have enough time. On the bright side, I got to see the Gorillaz on Saturday for the first show of the 2017 Humanz tour and on Wednesday I’m going to see Mother Mother! I suppose that’s not that exciting for you guys but I just thought I’d share. Also I went to Val’s Halla Records, which I later learned is famous. Also if you’re ever in Oak Park (Chicago), check out the Brown Elephant. It’s a second-hand shop that’s proceeds go towards LGBTQ+ health efforts!
> 
> Anyway, this chapter’s intense y’all. Please be safe.
> 
> T/Ws: brief mention of vomit, mention of unsafe binding, self-deprecation, suicidal thoughts, and a pretty detailed suicide attempt.

Well this was just his luck. Of course the one time he’s desperate enough to use the school computers the one kid he accidentally mocked in the hall is in the lab too. The kid-- Evan-- doesn’t look too happy about their surprise meet-up either; in fact, he looked straight-up mortified. Connor knew he came off as a bit intimidating-- he liked it that way-- but Evan looked like he was expecting Connor to come charging at him with a knife.

“Hey, uh, Evan,” Connor said without thinking. _Shit, now he was obligated to continue talking. What are you supposed to talk about? Wait, he has a cast. Talk about that._  “So, how did you break your arm?”

Evan looked taken aback. “I fell.” Connor raised an eyebrow in an effort to get him to continue. “Tree-- I mean, er, I fell, uh, out of tree.”

“You fell, huh?” Connor felt a pang of guilt from the way Evan was squirming in his seat now.

“Yeah. I, uh… I have this job as a junior park ranger at Ellison State Park-- it’s really cool; not to brag or anything but I’m kind of a tree expert-- anyway, I was climbing up a tree and I fell and broke my arm, that's all.”

“Bullshit,” Connor deadpanned. Evan looked taken aback, he opened his mouth to respond but Connor cut him off before he could say anything. “Hate to break it to you, Murphy, but you’ve kinda got a reputation as the school’s resident loner. No one’s going to believe that the only kid more friendless than ‘that crazy Connor Hansen’ just _happened_ to fall out of a tree.”

Evan went white as a sheet and it occurred to Connor that maybe he had crossed a line, he hardly knew this kid after all. Hell, for all he knew maybe Evan really did just fall out of the tree, or maybe the truth was to embarrassing to tell, like he broke his arm from jerking off too much. Oh god, Connor has definitely been spending too much time around Jared. “Sorry, forget about it.”

Evan made no move to react so Connor decided now would be a good time to return to his original task of printing out his French paper before his next period. The whole time, though, he couldn’t stop thinking about Evan. _What if he really needed someone to talk to? Had he seriously been telling everyone that tree nonsense and no one had called him out on it until now? Were people really that dense or did they just not care?_

Before Connor knew it he was taking his warm paper off the printer when he discovered something else sitting in the tray. He knew that looking was arguably an invasion of privacy, but how else would he know who it belonged to?

 

> Dear Evan Murphy,
> 
> Maybe you should just fucking kill yourself and here’s why: everything sucks because it always does.

“Holy shit,” Connor muttered to himself. He couldn’t get beyond the first line.

Suddenly Evan was at Connor’s side, snatching the paper out of his hands. For a moment, Connor felt them brush against him: sweaty, warm, and trembling. “Th-that’s private.”

“Look, Evan, I don’t mean to pry, but if you need to talk--”

“It’s private, okay?!” He wondered if Evan had ever yelled at anyone before. He doubted it. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

Just like that Evan was gone. When Connor walked out of the room to follow after him he was instead saw a flash of grey dash around a corner, subsequently followed by the slamming of what he assumed was the large double doors of the school entrance.

Without thinking, Connor fished his phone out of pocket and dialed the one number he had ever needed memorized.

“Connor? Honey, are you okay? Why aren’t you in class?”

“I think my friend is going to kill himself. He just ran out of school.

“I’ll be there in ten.”

* * *

Shit, Evan couldn’t even see, how was he going to drive? What if he crashed into a tree and survived to hear his parents yell at him for skipping school and wrecking the car? He needed a minute to breathe and then he’d be on his way. Sure, Connor seeing his note might mean he’ll have someone on his tail, but he doubted Connor cared enough to risk being caught skipping, and even if he did Evan’s pretty sure he didn’t have a car so it’s not like he’d get there in time. Right, everything’s fine. He’d go home, reprint his note, and it would all be taken care of before the school called to tell his parents he was missing class. This is fine, he can work with this, it’s all good.

Wiping his eyes, Evan took a deep breath and pulled out of the school parking lot. He spent the drive home with his window rolled down all the way and his radio off, taking in every sound the world had to provide for him as the soundtrack to his makeshift victory lap. He wondered if the world knew what he was doing and if it was making any special sounds just for him.

After parking his car in the garage, Evan left his keys on the middle hook of the robin egg blue key rack his mom had bought a year ago but no one ever used. As he walks inside the house, he is greeted one last time by the stale air he knows is full of words he wishes he could forget from all those nights his parents fought over him or his father berated him or the times his mother was disappointed in him. He makes his way out of the foyer and into study, opening google docs and printing his note for the second time that day before he deletes anything they could find that would have told them he was hurting; he doesn’t want them to know.

Evan goes on autopilot until he opens the medicine cabinet of the bathroom adjoined to his bedroom. He has left his note printer on the printer but he doesn’t have the capacity to think about that right now because his brain is currently preoccupied with the task of painstakingly counting out each of the pills various varieties he had been saving up. It doesn’t really occur to him that it doesn’t matter if he takes more than he needs to get the job done until he hears the front open and subsequently slam shut.

Evan swallows the contents of a bottle of Tylenol. He refills the cup of water sitting on his counter and chases the Tylenol down with Advil. Another refill and he manages to choke down a cocktail of various expired medications he found in his parents’ bathroom last week. He gulps down one last glass of water and locks the bathroom door before he climbs into the tub and pulls the shower curtain out in the hopes that he might be overlooked by anyone who might happen to come in.

Things the world is starting to get fuzzy when Evan hears two voices calling for him downstairs. It feels like someone is burning Evan’s insides and, of course, when he couldn’t care less, he feels his ribs ache as he realizes he hasn’t taken his binder of in a couple of days. He vaguely remembers hearing once that people who overdose often actually die because they choke on their own vomit and so he lays down on his back because he couldn’t think of a more fitting way for a vile creature like him to go out.

He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he got in the tub but the world is starting to go black when he realizes that someone is trying to get into the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY HE'S NOT DEAD THINGS WILL GET BETTER FOR THEM PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

**Author's Note:**

> I really want to keep this going so I've already started the next chapter. I'd write more today but I've gotta go to work. Comments, kudos, bookmarks, and subs are always appreciated!


End file.
